How to Spot the Subtle Control in Toxic Relationships
There’s a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from constantly second-guessing yourself in your own relationship. You share a thought, it’s met with a sigh. You express how you feel, and suddenly you’re “dramatic.” You raise a concern, and somehow you’re the problem.
It wears you down slowly, quietly, deeply.
I know that dynamic too well. And it rarely starts with yelling. It begins with something far more subtle: sarcasm disguised as jokes, “corrections” in front of friends, comments about how you “always misunderstand things.”
That isn’t miscommunication. That’s undermining in relationships, control disguised as concern.
Undermining Isn’t Always Loud, But It’s Always Harmful
Undermining often slips under the radar because it comes in small, almost dismissible moments:
The dig they insist is “just teasing”
The way they correct your story in front of others
The tone they use when you share something vulnerable
The eye roll that shuts you down before you finish your sentence
Individually, these moments seem small. But together? They shape the way you show up.
You begin shrinking. You rehearse your thoughts. You apologize before you speak.
I used to rehearse entire conversations in my head, trying to predict how he might twist my words. It never mattered how careful I was. He always found a way to make me feel ridiculous.
That’s when I finally understood: it wasn’t about my clarity. It was about power.
Undermining isn’t pointing out a mistake. It’s making sure you stop trusting your own voice.
Rebuilding Confidence Starts with Naming the Pattern
The slow erosion of self-esteem only stops once you call it what it is: emotional manipulation.
Not a misunderstanding.
Not “just their sense of humor.”
Not something you caused.
You don’t need to “be more confident” to survive being undermined. You need space, emotional room where your thoughts aren’t filtered through their judgment.
My healing began with small things:
Journaling without censoring myself
Talking to people who listened instead of corrected
Saying, even privately, “That didn’t feel respectful”
Every time I backed myself, even a little, the fog lifted. The grip loosened.
There’s Power in Reclaiming Your Voice
If someone makes you feel stupid, confused, or small for expressing your opinion, that’s not healthy conflict, it’s control.
You deserve conversations, not confrontations.
You deserve to be understood, not managed.
And you deserve relationships where your thoughts aren’t treated like inconveniences.
In the video linked here, I break down the signs of being undermined and how I rebuilt trust in my own voice again.
If you’ve ever apologized for simply having an opinion, this will speak to you.
You’re not too much.
You’re not imagining it.
And you don’t have to keep explaining yourself to someone committed to misunderstanding you.
Recovery starts the moment you choose to believe yourself again.
FAQ Section
Q: What makes a relationship healthy?
A healthy relationship is built on mutual effort, emotional availability, shared responsibility, and respect. Both people communicate openly, take accountability, and work through challenges together—not just one person doing all the emotional labor.
Q: Can a relationship be healthy if only one person is trying?
No. A relationship cannot be healthy or sustainable if the effort is one-sided. Growth, repair, and emotional responsibility must come from both partners. When only one person is trying, it becomes emotional exhaustion—not connection.
Q: How do I know if I’m in a one-sided relationship?
Signs include:
You initiate all the conversations about problems
You set boundaries they repeatedly ignore
You apologize first even when you’re not wrong
You feel drained while they remain unchanged
You feel like their caregiver instead of their partner
If you’re doing the work for both people, it’s one-sided.
Q: Can someone change if they’re not willing to grow?
Growth only happens when they choose it. You can’t force self-awareness, accountability, or emotional maturity onto someone who doesn’t want it. You can inspire growth, but you cannot do it for them.